Genetics
by somebody's secret
Summary: "This anger inside of you…It's not what you think it is. You weren't born to hurt people, Olivia." Olivia struggles to control her emotions after a particularly draining case and decides to reach out to an old friend for advice.


**A/N: Not like my typical mature stories. This was inspired by the recent episode, "Genes" which was very similar to the episode "Inheritance" back when Alex Cabot was an ADA.** **It may turn into more but I was happy with where it ended.**

* * *

You'd think by now that she'd know better but it still got to her. Olivia was curled up against the corner of her couch, unwilling to go to her bed because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep after the case today. She knew she made a choice when she divulged her past to Carisi in such a raw and emotional way. Truth was, despite years of her pretending that it didn't affect her, it still did. She thought about it rarely, but still. Since she found out as a teenager, she forced herself to forget about it; only allowing herself to think about it once in a blue moon but this case sent her into a downward spiral.

She should've known better. It was a blast from the past, a shockingly similar case to one she had over fifteen years ago but she still remembered Darrell Guan like it was yesterday. But the thing she remembered most about the case wasn't him, it was Alex Cabot's closing argument. Her strong belief that Darrell was in control of himself and his decisions. Her argument that a "rape gene" wasn't an actual thing and it was certainly never going to be an excuse as long as she had a say in it. But there was no Alex Cabot today.

She thought of their former ADA often. It wasn't as if Barba wasn't an exceptional lawyer but Alex would always be her favorite. Her drive, her passion, her raw emotion in response to the especially hard-hitting cases. She wondered what Alex would have said to her today. Would she have comforted her again like she did fifteen years prior when Olivia divulged her past? The thought made Olivia wonder.

She wondered where Alex was. She wondered if Alex was even in New York anymore. She imagined the blonde would always be blazing a new trail of justice wherever she went. Did Alex still think of her as often as she thought of Alex? She slowly rose from the couch and headed toward her room. Propped up toward the back of her dresser was a picture of Elliot, Munch, Fin, Alex, Cragen, and her after some court case that she couldn't even remember now. She smiled as she admired the blonde who was hardly smiling in the picture. It took her awhile to figure out the ADA but she finally learned that Alex tried to portray a cold exterior because it made it easier for her to separate her life and her job. Olivia understood, despite not being able to do it herself.

She wondered briefly if Alex still had the same phone number. It couldn't hurt to call and see, could it? Olivia wandered back out into her living room where her phone was and searched through her contacts. It didn't take much effort as Alex's name was toward the top but she hesitated when she got to it. What would she say if Alex picked up? Say hello and pretend like it's a normal friendly call? No, they hadn't talked in years.

She shook her head, deciding that it wasn't likely Alex's phone number anymore anyway. She pressed call and waited as the line rung a few times. She was about to hang up on the sixth ring but the call finally clicked.

"Cabot." Olivia couldn't help but take a sharp intake of air at the sound of the familiar husky, voice. She could hear shuffling in the background and another voice, male. She frowned. "Hello?" Olivia concluded that Alex must have long ago deleted her number since otherwise she was sure the former ADA would've said her name.

There was more shuffling along with a door shutting and Olivia almost hung up, only stopping when she heard Alex whisper a single word. "Olivia?"

So she did still have her number. "Hi," Olivia quickly muttered back as she sat upright on her couch, somehow oddly nervous to be talking to the blonde.

"Well hello there, Detective." Olivia could hear Alex's smile through the phone. "It's one in the morning. Are you going to tell me why you're calling me?"

Olivia pulled her phone from her ear and frowned as she realized it was 1:32 am. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was so late. Uh, it was an accident. Bye, Alex."

"Olivia, wait." Olivia stopped a moment before pressing the button to end the call. "I was obviously awake anyway. So why don't you tell me the real reason that you're calling."

Olivia bit her lip, unsure if she wanted to open this can of worms but hearing Alex's voice reminded her that it was all going to be fine. "Do you remember Darrell Guan?"

She could barely hear the soft sigh on Alex's side of the phone. "You're nothing like him, Olivia." The lieutenant knew that was exactly what Alex would say. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I just…I've been thinking. We had a case," Olivia admitted as she took a deep breath. "Similar to that. There was a rape therapy group and everything…for the rapists, not the victims. They told each other about the women they raped and were sworn to secrecy. One of the boys hadn't hurt anyone but he had thoughts. He figured committing suicide would be better for everyone so he wouldn't ever be able to hurt anyone else."

There was a long moment of silence. "One of my detectives pulled him off the edge but I wonder…"

Olivia didn't have to finish her sentence. Alex knew that she was wondering if suicide would've been the best option. Not for the boy, but for her. "Where are you?" Alex asked.

"It doesn't matter, I'm fine, really Alex. I just thought of Darrell and then you and I just wanted to hear your voice."

"So you're saying you don't want to see me in person then?"

"Are you in New York?"

"Yeah, Manhattan," Alex replied back. "And I can grab a taxi to wherever you are. Just give me your address."

"No, it's fine. You should get some sleep anyway."

"Olivia Benson. Your address, now." Olivia smiled before rattling off her address. There was a pause on Alex's end, and Olivia could hear the blonde whispering to someone. She could hear a male's voice again.

"I'll see you in a minute," Alex replied before hanging up.

* * *

It was an expression, 'see you in a minute'. Or at least that is what Olivia assumed. She was surprised when she heard a soft knock on her door less than a minute later. And when she opened the door and saw the familiar blonde standing in her doorway she couldn't help but ask, "How in the world did you get here so fast?"

Alex chuckled softly, a sound that Olivia didn't realize she missed until this exact moment. She didn't even wait for an invitation and marched into Olivia's apartment, typical Cabot style, except the normally dressed up blonde was in a pair of tight jeans and a sweater, jacket folded over her arm. "I was two floors up from you, oddly enough. Nice place, since when did you move?"

"Since I adopted a son and needed a spare room for him," Olivia replied back, subtly trying to gauge the blonde's response.

"I'd be lying if I acted surprised." Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You've always wanted kids. But besides that, Langan brought it up at one point. He proved to be a great source for information."

The brunette had a funny smile on her face and she knew it. "You checked up on me?"

Alex shrugged as she wandered into Olivia's living room, forcing the lieutenant to follow her. "You never checked up on me?" She countered.

"I would've if I knew where you were."

"You're a detective, don't tell me that you don't have the resources to find me."

Olivia shook her head in defeat. "Well I'm the lieutenant now. I can't play it as fast and loose as I did back in the day when Cragen took the heat for me. It would be frowned upon to be searching your name in the database. Besides, Fin would've had a field day if he knew I was searching for you."

"And why is that?" Alex questioned curiously as she settled down on Olivia's couch, the brunette following her.

"He always thought I had a thing for you," Olivia admitted, not at all embarrassed by the assumption of her coworker.

"You _did_ have a thing for me," Alex replied back casually. "Everyone knew I was your favorite ADA."

Olivia chuckled. "I don't know, Barba is pretty great…"

"Until he chewed you out for sleeping with the captain of IAB."

Olivia balked at the comment. "How…"

"I have eyes and ears everywhere, Olivia. But that's beside the point. There's a reason that I'm sitting in your living room after no contact for five years. So tell me what's on your mind."

Olivia shook her head. "It's late, we both should be sleeping."

"Well neither of us were," Alex reminded her.

"Why exactly were you up? Do you live here?"

Alex glanced away awkwardly and she licked her lips. "Uhm, no. I was with someone which is why I was still awake."

"Like sexually?"

The blonde couldn't help but chuckle in response. "Yes, sexually. And I forwent a shower so that I could get down here faster so why don't you start talking?"

"I knew you smelled kind of funny," Olivia playfully teased, clearly trying to avoid the topic. "Do you want to use my shower?"

"No, Liv, I want you to talk to me. The sooner you talk, the sooner we can both go to bed."

The lieutenant pursed her lips. "How about we make deal. You can shower and after you shower we'll talk." Alex raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to be wondering if that's sex that I smell on you the entire time we're talking."

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll shower but you're talking to me while I'm showering. You can sit on the toilet and keep me entertained."

"And how does one do that while sitting on a toilet?" Olivia teased as she got up off of the couch and led Alex to her bedroom and adjoined bathroom. "Shower is through there, I'll grab you a towel and some clothes for when you get out."

The shower turned on a moment later as Olivia gathered a pair of sweats and a shirt for her company. She returned to her bathroom, knocking lightly on the door even though it was open. "You can come in, I'm hidden," Alex teased.

Olivia entered the bathroom and tossed the towel over the top of the shower, oddly thankful that her shower was texturized. She could still make out Alex's general form, just pixelated. "There you go. Clothes will be next to the sink. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Uh-uh. Sit, Detective."

Olivia frowned. "You know I'm a lieutenant now, right?" She sat down on the closed toilet anyway.

"You'll always be my detective." The comment made the brunette smile. "Now talk. This should be easier for you. You can just talk to the wall and you don't even have to make eye contact with me."

She took a deep breath as she leaned forward, propping her elbows up on her legs. "I have this anger…you know, you've seen it. And sometimes I wonder if it's more than just a hatred for the scum that I deal with. It just gets to me sometimes and I just want to strangle someone. Beat them until I can't anymore. Other times I just want to throw someone against the wall and shake them until they listen to me." There was a pause. "And it's not always the perps that I feel this way toward."

"Have you ever acted on it?"

"Yes, on the bad guys." Assorted perps, William Lewis…

"But not on anyone else."

"I shouldn't be doing it at all though, Alex. But the longer I don't act out I can just feel it building until I just want to explode. The anger, the rage, the hurt… One of these days I'm going to actually hurt someone." There was a long pause. "I may not be a rapist but that doesn't mean I can't hurt people. Things would be better if I never got the opportunity to hurt others."

Alex knew that her last comment translated into wishing she had never been born. She knew Olivia, well enough to know that the brunette would never seriously consider suicide but that didn't mean she didn't think about it. The blonde quickly turned off the shower and wrapped her towel around her body before sliding the door to the side so that she could see the brunette.

"Don't say that. You've done so much good in your life, Olivia. More than I or anyone else I know have ever done. And we all get angry sometimes and do stupid things but that doesn't make us innately evil. It doesn't mean that someday we're going to explode and hurt everyone around us. Life just doesn't work that way."

"Yeah and how do you know that? You don't know what's inside of me. You don't know about the thoughts that I have…the anger that's inside of me," Olivia shot back, clearly becoming agitated despite not wanting to.

The shower door slid the rest of the way open and Alex stepped out and stood in front of Olivia. "Then show me."

Olivia shook her head. "You don't get it. I can't control it. I can't turn it on and off on a whim. It just builds and builds until I can't take it anymore and I snap! What happens when I'm with a victim when that happens? What happens when I'm with someone I care about?"

"Get up," Alex ordered but Olivia just looked at her in confusion. "Get up!" She grabbed onto the brunette's shirt and pulled her up off of the toilet seat. "Come on, explode then." Alex gave Olivia a soft push against her shoulders.

"I can't…"

"What? You can't what? Come on, you're the daughter of an alcoholic and a rapist! It's in your blood, isn't it? You were born to hurt people!" She shoved Olivia again, this time harder and the lieutenant struggled to stay upright and not fall over the toilet behind her.

"Stop it."

"No, you're the one who's convinced you're a ticking time bomb. You're violent, you're angry…You were born with it. You can't fucking control it!" Another shove. "Come on!" A harder shove. "Come on, hurt me, rape me! You were born to be a rapist!" One final shove.

The last sentence broke both women, Alex having to say it and Olivia having to hear it.

In a flash, Alex was shoved up against the wall behind her. Her back and head smacked up against the wall with an audible thud and the towel that was wrapped beneath her arms fell loose, pooling around her ankles. Olivia's body was pressed tightly against hers, her hands pinned to the wall by Olivia's.

They were both frozen as the severity of the situation hit them. "Do it," Alex gritted out between clenched teeth. "Come on, hurt me, rape me, whatever it is inside of you, let it out."

Tears streamed down Olivia's cheeks the moment she closed her eyes. Her body fell limp against Alex's naked body and she released the blonde's wrists, instead resting her hands against the wall.

"This anger inside of you…It's not what you think it is. You weren't born to hurt people, Olivia." With her now free hands, Alex wrapped her arms around the brunette's shaking frame and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Just like you weren't born an alcoholic and you weren't born to rape people. Everyone around you trusts and confides in you and it's not for lack of good judgment on their part."

"I'm sorry," was the only thing Olivia could manage to whisper as hot tears continued to stream down her face.

"You didn't do anything wrong." Alex assured her as she ran a hand gently up and down Olivia's back. "Now why don't you go lay down on your bed while I get dressed. I'm inviting myself to spend the night over so no arguing."

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle through the tears. "I'm sorry about…this," Olivia whispered as she closed her eyes and pulled away from the blonde so that she could get dressed.

A few minutes later, Alex emerged from Olivia's bathroom in the lieutenant's clothes with her hair patted dry. She didn't even wait for an invitation before sliding into the bed and next to Olivia. She wrapped her arms around her and they both sighed softly. "Just like the Connors trial, except we're flipped this time," Alex murmured as she cuddled behind the former detective.

"I missed you, Alex." The blonde smiled faintly.

* * *

When Olivia woke, she was sure she dreamed it all, the case, Alex, their fight. There was no way that Alex just so happened to be upstairs and had willingly spent the night cuddled up to her. But the warmth pressed up against her back and the fingers tanged in between her own told her differently.

"I know you're awake," Alex whispered from behind Olivia and the brunette couldn't help but smile in response. "Your breathing changed. So either you're awake or you're having a really good dream."

"I'm pretty sure I'm still dreaming. There's no way that you're in my bed right now."

"Do you often dream about me in your bed, Detective?" That voice, that tone. Olivia couldn't stop her heart from beating faster.

"No…" It was a weak attempt at denial and Olivia knew it. "I better get up. I'm surprised Noah hasn't crawled into bed with me yet. He's gotten into the habit of leaving his 'big-boy bed' in the morning and crawling into mine and giving me good morning kisses."

"He sounds adorable," Alex commented as she finally released her hold on Olivia. "Would he freak out if he saw me?"

Olivia leaned up and glanced over toward Alex, finally confirming that she wasn't just dreaming. She weighed her head side to side trying to guess. "I don't think so. Ed spent the night quite a few times and he was okay with it then. Although he might think you're my new love interest."

"Well we wouldn't want to confuse him. I better get going."

They both stood at the same moment. "You could join us for breakfast. I have friends over every now and then and he's fine with it. He'll probably enjoy company because he can get away with more when someone else is distracting me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, let me just check with Noah to make sure he's in a good mood this morning. Sometimes he can be grumpy," Olivia explained as she headed to his room. She smiled as she admired her sleeping boy, still in the same position that he was the night before when she kissed him goodnight after the case. "Good morning my sweet boy," Olivia whispered as she trailed her hand down his back. "It's time to get up so you can go to the bathroom and eat breakfast."

Noah grumbled slightly as he rolled over onto his back and smiled up at his mom. "Pancakes!"

Olivia chuckled. "Maybe…depends on if you're a good boy this morning!" Noah giggled in response. "Now I have a question for you. My friend is here. Can she eat breakfast with us?"

Noah frowned slightly. "Ed?"

"No, my friend is a girl, sweetie."

"'esse?" He had meant Amanda's daughter Jesse but he still couldn't quite say her name.

"Nope, it's my friend Alex. She used to work with me before you were born."

"Oh," was Noah's simple reply. "Okay."

"Alrighty, why don't you go to the bathroom and then meet me in the kitchen? I'll go start the pancakes…with extra chocolate chips." Noah cheered as he jumped out of bed and raced into the bathroom.

"I heard cheering. Does that mean I'm allowed to stay?" Alex questioned as Olivia entered the kitchen.

"Yes, the little majesty has approved of your visit," Olivia teased as she began preparing pancake batter. "You can help me. Could you grab the chocolate chips from the fridge? And grab a banana and some pecans if you want a slightly healthier version of pancakes."

"Healthy, what is that?" Alex teased as she did as she was told.

"Well excuse me Ms. One-hundred-and-ten-pounds. We can't all keep a figure like yours without trying."

Alex frowned at the brunette. "Excuse me, I'm one-hundred and _twenty_."

Olivia playfully rolled her eyes. "I could bench press you."

"I'd like to see you try!" She teased as she handed the ingredients over to Olivia who already had a buttered-up pan heating on the stove. Olivia chuckled as she accepted the ingredients and set them to the side. She quickly wrapped her arms around Alex's back and scooped the blonde up. "Olivia!"

"See, easy."

"My turn!" Both women turned to see Noah running into the room and grabbing onto his mom's legs. Olivia carefully set Alex down and smiled at her son.

"Hi Noah, I'm Alex," the blonde introduced herself, leaning down slightly so she could be eye level with him.

"That's a boy's name!" Noah squealed as he giggled at the blonde.

"Noah!" Olivia said as she looked down at the boy in surprise. "Alex can be a girl's or a boy's name. Alex's name is short for Alexandra which is a girl's name."

"Oh," he replied simply as he looked back at Alex. He waved at her before running out into the living room for his morning cartoons.

"He's a little shy," Olivia admitted as she began cooking some pancakes. "I've tried socializing and everything but he just take a while to warm up to people so don't take it personally."

"It's alright. I'll just bribe him by bringing his pancakes to him. It works with all the other kids I work with."

"What exactly is it that you do for work? I haven't heard your name around the DA's office. I figured Barba would've mentioned you especially since you seem to believe that _everyone_ knows you were my favorite ADA."

"Well, I don't linger around the courthouse very often. I've been working in another district. Actually, I just got transferred back here to be Bureau Chief of Homicide after a brief stint in private law."

"Please don't tell me you've gone dark," Olivia commented in response to Alex's mentioning of 'private law'.

"No, not like that. I was actually mainly working with children in private family matters. Anything from representing children in a divorce to monetary settlements of abuse to ensure a stable future for the children."

"That sounds…depressing and a bit too much like SVU. I can't say I ever imagined you'd want to work with children."

Alex shrugged as she held out a plate for Olivia, allowing the brunette to scoop up the first batch of cooked pancakes. "I like children and as much as I wish I could only be around happy and healthy children but that's not how life is. So I work with them in hopes of giving them a better future."

"Well that's admirable of you," Olivia commented as she handed over some more pancakes. "Since you wanted to bribe Noah you can bring him all the mini pancakes I just made. He loves the tiny ones."

"No whipped cream?" Alex questioned teasingly.

The brunette smiled in response. "It's in the fridge. Did you want chocolate chip or banana pecan?"

"Hm, can I get both? I want to try all the wonders that Mama Olivia Benson can make now."

"Trust me, it's not much. I'm just thankful that Noah loves pasta and chicken."

* * *

After eating and cleaning, Olivia walked Alex to the door. "Before you go…" Olivia wanted to ask Alex if they could do this again but she froze. "I just wanted to say thank you for last night. I needed someone like you to knock—or shove—some sense into me."

Alex laughed softly in response as she smiled at the brunette. "I'm glad I could help. I really am happy that you called me, Liv. I missed you."

"I missed you too," Olivia admitted as she studied her door frame momentarily. "I really needed last night, so thank you. Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself."

She could feel Alex's gaze studying her but she refused to look back at her former friend. "Do you really think so?"

Olivia pursed her lips as she finally made eye contact with brilliant blue eyes. "I think so." There was merely a foot of distance between them and yet both women were slowly shifting closer to one another. Olivia was the first to freeze in place, instead leaning up against the door frame of the front door.

Alex made the first move much to both of their surprise. In a blink of an eye, Alex's lips were on hers; the kiss was soft and gentle and Olivia swore she must've been dreaming because this is what she imagined bliss was like. A hand caressed her hip, fingers loosely winding around her side and applying gentle pressure into her skin. Another hand settled against the side of her neck, not quite clutching but gently encouraging her closer despite their lips already being pressed together.

When Alex pulled away all too soon for Olivia's liking, she reached out her own hand, wrapping it tightly around Alex's hip so that the blonde couldn't move too far away. "Did I read that right? Or did I just make a fool of myself?" Alex questioned softly, her breathing faster than it was previously.

"See, that's the thing," Olivia replied, Alex impatiently frowning because she didn't get the immediate response that she wanted. "I didn't know I wanted to kiss you until you did it for me." That earned her a smile from the blonde.

"Really? You mean all those years of fighting and arguing and you never once wanted to kiss me?" Olivia rightfully blushed in response. _Of course_ she had wanted to kiss Alex many times. She just never acted on it and assumed it wouldn't be an appreciated gesture.

"If you knew how many times I wanted to kiss you, you might be concerned," Olivia admitted and Alex smirked in response.

"Well, the feeling is mutual." She turned to leave, pausing as she opened up Olivia's door. "Let's not wait five more years before you call me again, okay?"

"You do know that the phone works both ways, right?" Olivia countered, smirking at her quick witted response. Alex merely shook her head as she exited Olivia's apartment, shutting the door behind her.

It wasn't even a minute later that Olivia felt her phone buzzing in her pocket. She quickly pulled it out, half expecting to be called into work for a new case.

 _Incoming Call: Alex Cabot_

She couldn't help but smile as she accepted the call.


End file.
